Heavy Hearts

Tonight before going to bed, I decided to check my email one last time.  As soon as I saw the screen, the email from Jilma jumped out at me.  

She was writing to tell us that two little girls, sisters, have been brought to the orphanage.  Their ages are about 7 months and 3 years.  She was writing to confirm that a sibling group with an older child wasn't in our plans. 

I ran down screaming at Daniel.  When I originally read the email, I didn't see the key word, 'sisters.'  I saw 7 month old girl and knew this was it.  

But it didn't take Daniel and I long to know that this was more than we can handle.  

And it breaks my heart.  

It's not the fact that there are 2 girls.  That wouldn't be something we would automatically dismiss.  The little girl being 7 months old is fine.  But to have an older girl at 3 years old, the same age as Noah (and realistically probably older) just wouldn't be best for our family or for those sweet girls.

We are going to a conference this weekend, Empowered to Connect.  It's about healing and attachment for children from hard places, like the Congo.  The older the child, the more the trauma they have been through affects them.  If our boys were older, we may be in more of a place to handle that.  But I don't think we could physically offer those girls what they need with 2 other younger children in the home.

And it breaks my heart.

We also have to look out for the health of our whole family.  EVERYONE says it is not wise to disrupt birth order.  From what I have read, disrupted birth order is the number one cause for disruptions (aka terminating the adoption).

I know all this.  I know deep down that we made the wise decision in saying 'no'.

But tonight all I can think about is those 2 little orphans, needing a home.  And I feel like I turned them away.  

Please pray for them.  Please pray that Jilma can find them the home that will be best for them, that can bring them healing in the way they need.  

Please pray for us.  I always assumed that the email we got would be the one.  There would be no doubts or second thoughts.  But it isn't that easy.  

I know we did the right thing.  But it breaks our hearts.